Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her