*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Milk Cube
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.