*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.