GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.