7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits