[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
me, too, girl. me, too.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.