*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!