Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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not seeing the problem
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.