4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’m about to risk it all
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
me hooking up with my ex
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Breaking news:
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
is nasa ok