The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Sorry not sorry.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.