I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Breaking news:
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I mean…but I did
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?