What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
🤣😂
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.