[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Only short people can save us
This raises questions
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
They grow up so quick
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.