If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Tell me you get it…🤣
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”