I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
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What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.