“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I was bored.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute