Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I love art.
These are my roll models.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.