Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
That time Alicia messaged me
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
That’s enough internet for the day
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.