*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My wife gives the best headache.