“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up