Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
marvel comics have peaked
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
When news reporters do sports stories
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly