Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Ugh but profoundly
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Worth remembering.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.