“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
english majors be like furthermore
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”