[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Message from the dog groomers
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.