NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
absolutely not
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The future is now.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.