Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall