I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
You Might Also Like
ok like just. call me at this point
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Siri, fight Alexa.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do