Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I don’t get marriage
Danger is very dangerous
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.