RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.