If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
What?!?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.