Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”