Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Kids: Stay in school.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim