[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down