My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.