*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The Assassin.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
me and the Superbowl rn
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
reduce, reuse, recycle
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.