my mom making me talk to relatives
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one