[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.