[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
You Might Also Like
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff