Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.