I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
How to make infinite energy.