Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes