Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
こいつ天才
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
i spent way too long on this
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.