NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors