Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.