Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.