Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”