You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in