Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.