We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
S M O L
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.