When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”